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Affirmations Archive

• If I could have you remember just one thing, it is that love is very powerful. Communicating acceptance and caring to a survivor is very critical to that man feeling safe enough to talk with you. Remember, survivors have had their trust betrayed, oftentimes by people they knew, and oftentimes, knew well. So their ability to trust has been substantially impaired. So even if you are close to a man who has told you he is a survivor, OR if you suspect a man may be a survivor, it is still very important to take it slowly.


• Never assume or tell a man you know he is a survivor of sexual abuse; if you suspect, it is important to be much more gentle; remember that survivors walk around with a great deal of shame as men are not supposed to be victims. A gentle response could be to tell them, "I am here to listen to you, I am here to provide support to you to talk about any problems you are having. I know you may be afraid of judgments; the only judgment I will have of you if you ask for my help is to give you my respect for your courage"


• When your partner does choose to tell you about his abuse, it may be a normal reaction to wonder if it is true; in fact, you may want to disbelieve your partner's truth because you feel way too much pain hearing about it. If you know the perpetrator, it may be even more difficult, especially if you have positive feelings or perceptions about the perpetrator. On occasion, there are ways to validate a survivor's story, but oftentimes, it is their word versus the perpetrator. Being believed is one of the greatest gifts you can give a survivor. Empathizing with them about their pain and betrayal and shame is another great gift. Think about this: Given how difficult it is for most men to acknowledge they have been abused, why would you think they would make up a story about being abused? This is extremely rare: for most survivors, it takes a great deal of courage to speak the truth, and when they do , they need your acceptance.


• It is natural for you to want your partner to talk about his abuse and his feelings and reactions. Just because you want to know does not mean your partner wants to talk. Tell them it is okay to take their time, to do it at a pace that feels safe enough for them. They may need to tell their story in several segments than all at once. In fact, for most men, this is preferable, so they don't become too overwhelmed.


• Let them know you are willing to help them locate outside help, therapists, support groups if they are too afraid to reach out.


• Some male survivors of abuse have a very difficult time staying present during any emotionally challenging discussion. If you notice your partner drifting away, getting sleepy, or losing track of the conversation, or if you notice a sudden shift in their mood, they may be engaging in a defense called dissociation. It is a learned defense mechanism that allows them to protect themselves from intense emotions. If you notice this, it is okay to gently say their name, and tell them you are still here and willing to talk when they are ready.


• Male survivors may engage in a variety of self-defeating and/or self-destructive behaviors to cope with the feelings of betrayal, violation, and shame they feel as a result of their abuse/assault. These behaviors often serve the purpose of helping them to be numb, such as smoking, drinking, compulsive sexual behaviors, compulsive gambling, or compulsive eating. Any and all of these behaviors will absolutely interfere with your ability to be intimate or close to your partner. If your partner or family member is engaging in these behaviors, they are not only hurting you, they are also hurting themselves, but they may not be able to accept this. Denial is a powerful defense mechanism that serves to keep out of awareness the cost of the behavior on the survivor and the people in his life who care about him. Accepting a man is doing the best he can today does not mean you need to accept he cannot address these issues differently tomorrow; however, if he is stuck acting out in any of these ways, outside help is most likely needed for you and also for him to break the cycle. There are 12-step programs for all of these behaviors for the survivor himself and also for partners/family members. Remember, it feels shameful for survivors to need help - they often believe they shouldn't have allowed themselves to be assaulted/victimized in the first place, so they are not likely to feel welcoming of help. At the same time, some part of them knows they are hurting. Again, love is a powerful healing force: letting them know you love them enough to invite them to get the help they need is critical. You are not responsible for their acting out behaviors, so refuse to take that responsibility. Do take responsibility for being sensitive to their feelings.


• If you are in an intimate sexual relationship with a male survivor, there are likely to be many issues that surface. Your partner may avoid sex altogether; they may only want to engage in sex if they are in total control; they may only believe that sex is dirty and something you do with strangers; they may have no ability to combine sex with loving feelings; they may question their sexual orientation; they may struggle with the ability to become erect, stay erect, or have orgasms; they may get triggered by certain sex acts or certain smells or sweat or body sensations during the sex act. If your partner suddenly withdraws, or you sense them going away, stop the sex act immediately; they may or may not be able to tell you what they experienced, at least not right away. Be as patient as you can. All of the behaviors I describe here are common types of problems survivors experience when they risk being sexual with another person. The important part to know is that survivors can learn how to combine sexual and emotional intimacy. Too many significant others or spouses spend years being neglected sexually, because they are afraid to challenge their survivor partner. You have a right to get your needs met, and although you may think you are protecting your partner, in reality you are prolonging their recovery if you do not address sexual problems that arise. If you can address them as "I would like to feel closer to you, and at times, I feel blocked, and I need your help in talking about my experiences with you" is very different than "you need to address that problem of yours".


• Remember that the gender of the person (s) who abused the survivor in your life has a great influence on the type of impact on your interactions, depending on your gender. This is complicated and can't be boiled down simply. For example, if you are both gay and your partner was abused by a man, he may feel great shame or be absolutely unwilling to engage in activities he was forced to do while being abused. Some men were forced to have orgasms during their abuse, or some knew that the way to get the abuse over with was to have an orgasm. So having an orgasm may not be associated at all with pleasure, which obviously can impact on your mutual satisfaction. If your partner is heterosexual, and their perpetrator was a female, they may feel great humiliation that they were controlled by a woman; they could react with you by always wanting to be in control, or conversely, they may avoid sex or perceive any pressure from you as just like what the abuser did, and they may shut down.


• You have the power and the influence to be instrumental in helping a male survivor heal and recover. If you are a survivor as well, or an addict or suffer from other emotional/mental health challenges, it is important you get your own needs met too. Survivors generally do not like to be smothered and taken care of: they tend to be very proud. You can be much more effective in helping if you are also getting your needs taken care of as well.


• Refuse to shame a male survivor for not being "man enough" or "masculine enough" to get the help they need. They've already suffered enough shame without you adding any more. Recognize and affirm every positive step they take as another step toward valuing the boy inside them and the adult man who is in a relationship with you.

**NOTE: I will oftentimes in this article refer to your "partner" as a generic term to mean any of the categories above.

Howard Fradkin, Ph.D. is Co-Chairperson of the MaleSurvivor Weekends of Recovery (http://www.malesurvivor.org/weekends-of-recovery.html) and is a Psychologist in private practice at Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth (www.affirmationstherapy.com) in Columbus, Ohio.