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Affirmations Archive

October is Coming Out Month, and so this column is dedicated to all of our website readers who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or just wondering or wanting to be more educated.

What I believe is that each of us can not only survive coming out, but can learn to thrive in the process. Coming out to yourself is definitely the first step toward thriving as a lesbian/ gay man/bisexual/transgendered person. But it is only the beginning of what promises to be a most exciting and rewarding lifetime being "out" in the world.

What steps can YOU take to feel like you are thriving in your coming out, instead of simply surviving? First, I'd like to suggest you take an inventory of how many of the significant people in your life-- the people you spend the most time with each day, as well as the people you wish you could spend more time and emotional energy with--have been told by YOU about you being lesbian or gay or bisexual or transgendered? I believe the more people you have told, and the more people who have expressed their acceptance of you, the more likely it is you will thrive. If there are number of people who are close to you either because of the time you share and/or because of their emotional/familial connection to you who don't know about you, the more likely it is you will be blocked from feeling more free to be who you are, a necessary part of thriving. I am not suggesting you have to be out to everyone--what I am suggesting is that thriving as a sexual minority person requires us to have LOTS of SUPPORT. And I believe as GLBT folks, we will only be able to trust that support to the degree people know us AS WE ARE, which means they accept our disclosing our sexuality as a cherished gift we've given them by trusting them. So, in order to thrive as you come out, recognize that your act of coming out is indeed a cherished gift of trust. Now look again at your list of who does not know, and ask yourself, which of these folks deserve to recieve your gift of trust?

To trust people enough to come out to them, we need to be able to trust these people will value us as whole people, not simply as sex objects or a set of sexual behaviors only. To thrive requires us to value ourselves as whole people too. We can do this by challenging our own sexism and internalized homophobia. Society often teaches us we are defined by our sex acts only, and that those sex acts are disgusting, dirty, immoral, etc. Dare to define yourself by ALL of your behaviors. Refuse to allow the homophobic authority figures/neighbors/friends/co-workers in your life to dictate how you should feel about yourself as a lesbian/gay man/bisexual/ or transgendered person.

In your coming out, let folks know how similar you are to them as well as the ways in which you may be different. Help them understand the love and care we have for people of the same gender is no different than the love they may feel for a person of the other gender.

Thriving includes being willing to challenge your own stereotypes of what it means to be gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered. Give yourself permission to find out how unique each gay man and lesbian is. You can pursue ANY career you want to. You absolutely have or can develop the ability to LOVE and COMMIT YOURSELF to a LONG-LASTING FULFILLING RELATIONSHIP, or to a series of relationships, or to a satisfying and happy life as a single person. You can come out to your children and be accepted for who you are. You can come out to colleagues/co-workers and even supervisors/bosses and be accepted for who you are. You can refuse to have sex the first time you meet and still be desirable. You can be loveable and possess less than the perfect body you think gay men/lesbians would find attractive.

You can be gay and never go to a gay bar if you don't want to. In Columbus there are at least 50 other options for meeting other lesbians/gay men/bisexuals/and transgendered people. You can be a member of an ethnic/cultural minority and find acceptance not only from your family, but also from other gay men/women who are different than you. You can be HIV positive and/or have AIDS and still find people who want to be sexual with you AND love you. You can attend a church/synagogue/temple and be welcomed and accepted by the minister and the congregation. You can even pursue your "non-traditional" interests, like swimming, volleyball, antique cars, scrabble, bowling, singing...and find other gay men/lesbians/bisexuals who also like those activities.

One last aspect of thriving is seeking all the support you need. Coming out can be challenging, exciting, rewarding, and sometimes very hurtful and angering. Thriving requires you to reach out to your gay-affirming friends who can help you process the difficult times and celebrate the good times. If you find your friends are not able to provide the support you need, give yourself permission to reach out to the many gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered and gay-affirmative/ sex-affirmative psychotherapists in Columbus who have special training to help you learn to thrive in your coming out. You deserve all the help and support you need!

To the many readers who are already thriving, I congratulate you for your courage and strength, and I challenge each of you to welcome our brothers and sisters who are struggling. Show them how welcome they are in our world, no matter how similar or different to you they are. We as a community can make Columbus an easier place to thrive by continuing to come out and refusing to hide as much as possible.

I HAVE THE COURAGE AND WILL SEEK ALL THE SUPPORT I NEED TO THRIVE AS I COME OUT INTO GAY/LESBIAN/BISEXUAL/TRANSGENDERED LIFE.