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Affirmations Archive

How many times in your life have you felt blocked from taking what you believe to be in your gut the next right step? How many times have you known what you really wanted to say to someone (like, "Mom and Dad, I don't want to come home for the holidays because I want to spend it here in Columbus with my LGBT family"), but stopped yourself because of some old voice in your head telling you that you're not allowed to say that? How many times have you felt obligated to perform some task, but just couldn't get yourself motivated, or found yourself procrastinating hoping to avoid it altogether (such as holiday gift buying)? How many times have you known the right course, but actually chosen the completely opposite or dysfunctional course, knowing at least partially there would be negative consequences to deal with as a result? If you answered one or more to any of these, welcome to the human race. At times, we all feel blocked and unable to help ourselves. At times we all choose unhealthy paths even when we ostensibly know better. And especially now, at the holidays, when we can be especially stressed out, we are most vulnerable to these kinds of choices. But why? And how can we become unstuck and manage the negative feelings associated with being stuck or blocked?

Let's tackle the why first. I've already affirmed for you that one basic reason is you are human. We all make mistakes: some big, some small. Sometimes, it is our unrealistic and perfectionistic expectations and beliefs about ourselves which interfere with our ability to make more self-affirming decisions. The more pressure we put on ourselves, the more difficult it is to make a healthy decision. Holidays put pressure on all of us -- to spend time with all of our family members whether we want to or not; or to buy the perfect gifts or the right amount of gifts or spend enough money on those gifts so the recipient will really appreciate us.

Particularly when you are feeling blocked, it is helpful to remember we operate both from intellectual logic and emotional logic. Intellectual logic is what our brain tells us -- what might be called good common sense. It is good common sense for most of us, for instance, to practice safer sex. It is good common sense if you are having a problem and you can't figure out a solution, to ask for help. It is good common sense to choose to keep at least some degree of emotional and/or physical distance from people who hurt us or judge us, even if they are our family members.

But emotional logic often leads us to different choices, because our emotional logic is based on what we've learned about ourselves as people and as men and/or women about how we are "supposed" to behave. Emotional logic contains all the self-blaming, self-critical, shaming messages we heard growing up and may hear today as adults. Our emotional logical self can be swayed by peer pressure and cultural norms.

For example, using emotional logic, we may choose to engage in unsafe sex because we have learned people who love each other shouldn't have any barriers between them, and should trust each other implicitly and unconditionally. Or, our emotional logical self may tell us that we should avoid any discomfort as much as possible: following this logic, we might choose to practice unsafe sex because practicing safer sex might entail talking about practicing safer sex, and especially talking about each other's HIV status, and we view this as uncomfortable. In another example, emotional logic might remind us we should be able to take care of all of our problems by ourselves, so we might choose to keep struggling, even when we are very frustrated, because to ask for help would mean we are failures, based on those early messages. Our holiday emotional logical self may tell us we must choose to go home, regardless of how badly we'll be treated, because we have to be loyal to our families and shouldn't disappoint our mothers and fathers and siblings.

So how can we become unstuck/unblocked, using both our intellectual and our emotional logical selves? Becoming aware of both parts of ourselves and acknowledging the parts may be in conflict with each other could be a start. Our intellectual self can help the emotional part of us to think through the whole situation: yes, it would be uncomfortable to talk openly about safer sex; however, it would be far more uncomfortable if we have to learn we are HIV+ one month from the unsafe sex. Our intellectual self may remind us: remember it is the spirit of the gift-giver that is more important than how much it costs, or how perfect it is, and this may free us to get shopping.

At times, our emotional part can often help to inform the intellectual part of ourselves too. It is important to honor our fears, and merely telling yourself "you shouldn't be afraid to ask for help" is not helpful. Honoring our fears means giving ourselves permission to be afraid and sharing these fears so others have the opportunity to be more helpful. It may help them acknowledge their own fears, which could also move you closer. Our emotional self may help us reach some compromise about holiday visits: limited time with blood family and more time with our chosen LGBT family members.

At times, all that is required is to figure out, what might be one little step I might take to become unblocked? Perhaps it is calling home and presenting your dilemma, and offering to negotiate. Perhaps it is going out and buying at least one gift, even if it is just a stocking stuffer. Taking that simple step can leave us with a sense of accomplishment, because even though it may be small, it is a step forward.

My suggested affirmation to help you when you are blocked:
I accept my humanness, reject my tendency to blame and judge myself, and instead invite an awareness of my emotional and intellectual selves to help me take the next right step.