Each month we will post an affirming article on this page to help you improve your mental health. If you have feedback for us or suggestions for future articles, please email us and let us know.

If you are interested in reading other affirming articles or want to learn more about how to use affirmations to improve your self-esteem, relationships and general sense of well-being, please click on Affirmations Archive below.

Affirmations Archive

Do you have troubles starting relationships? Or perhaps you are one of those folks who gets started, but inevitably and oftentimes unexplicably in your mind your relationships always fail - perhaps a few dates later, or a few months later, or maybe even somewhat longer? Or perhaps you can stay in a relationship, but the truth is you are really unhappy and falling out of love, but you just can't end it? These are some of the most common reasons people of all sexual orientations seek out a psychotherapist, hoping to find out how to have a healthy relationship.

It is absolutely possible to form and maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship, whether you are gay, straight, bisexual or transgendered. It is also absolutely possible to learn to let go of unhealthy relationships so you can make yourself available for a healthy relationship. So what does it take?

I believe it all starts with asking yourself -- Am I available for a healthy relationship? To start with, am I single? Many folks who are already committed go searching for a new relationship before ending the one they are in. While it may feel safer in some ways to do this, in the long run it is an unhealthy way to start a new relationship, and in most cases, will cause many problems down the road in the new relationship.

Secondly, am I emotionally available? This entails having the ability to share your feelings and thoughts, your deepest insecurities and proudest moments, with an intimate partner. It also involves being able to deeply care about the well-being of another person without having to control your partner. It is important to be able to control your own emotions and behavior, but if you primarily focus on controlling your partner's feelings and behavior, this is also a significant problem in healthy relationship development. Another way to ask this question more simply is, do I love myself enough to believe I am worthy of love and deserving of my needs to be met? Put even more simply, do I "have a life"? Do I emotionally allow myself to be invested in my life, in my activities, and in my friendships?

Thirdly, related to the above, am I in control of my own emotions and behavior? Specifically, do I have a problem being addicted to or abusing alcohol or drugs? Do I have a problem with sex addiction, where I find that I am powerless over the time and money I spend and the risks I take in pursuing sex partners, when I am single and even when I am in a committed relationship? Do I compulsively spend money or find that I routinely have trouble paying my bills? Do you have trouble controlling your emotions-- for example, do you have trouble with your temper? Or find that you can't help yourself from falling in love on the first date, and thereafter becoming obsessed with making this person your life partner, no matter what signals they may be giving you? Are you paralyzed by your fears of someone getting close to you? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, therapy and/or 12-step groups can help you resolve these problems so that they do not remain major blocks to intimacy.

Once you establish that you are available, then an equally important step is asking yourself, can I identify potential partners who are also available? Essentially this is identical to the questions you asked of yourself. This takes some practice to identify what I call "yellow flags" or "red flags" in a potential partner's behavior. I am not suggesting the goal here is to become the PERFECT person or to identify the PERFECT partner. But oftentimes in the heat of the moment, or in the blindness of love, we can deny what turn out to major blocks to intimacy. So, in assessing a potential partner's availability, you want to know:
*Are they single?
*Are they emotionally available? Do they love themselves enough? Do they "have a life"?
*Are they in control of their feelings and behaviors?

These are beginning steps to intimacy. So spend some time assessing yourself, then get ready to take some risks. You can only learn how to relate in healthy ways with lots of practice!

This month's affirmation:
Today I will take time out to assess how available I am for healthy relationships, and will take the steps necessary to facilitate me growing into a more emotionally healthy partner.