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Affirmations Archive

In my last column, I asked you to consider your process as you make (or in some cases) don't make resolutions for changing your life. I talked about some of the important steps you could take which might lead to greater success in beginning to make those desired changes in your life. Now I know some of you took my advice and made no New Year's resolutions at all. Others of you may have made some resolutions, and then proceeded to do what you always do when the new year starts.... forget about them, put them off, or decide you really didn't want to change anyway. Others may have started as you committed, and are already beginning to feel the benefits. Some of you may have started, but have already stopped making progress toward your goal. Have you modified your goal, or just stopped working at all to create change?

In this column, I'd like to help those of you who started working toward your goal, whether you continued or not. Those of you who are ready now to start, terrific! The guidelines I will suggest here will increase the likelihood you too can remain committed to reaching your goals.

The best change occurs a little step at a time. Why? Because when you make a change, it is best to build on a foundation. When you think about watching a building go up, they usually start with the basement or foundation, and it seems from an outside point of view that step takes much longer than building from the 1st floor up. The reason is the foundation must be strong enough to support all the rest of the building. It takes many steps to build a strong foundation, whether you are building a skyscraper or making a change in your life.

The foundation begins by focusing on your motivation. Whatever change you are planning on making, it will be necessary throughout your changing to stay focused on what personal gain you are hoping for, and to remind yourself often of this goal. It is important to keep reminding yourself how you are committed to this change for YOUR benefit (as opposed to doing it because someone else thinks it would be good for you).

Another part of a good foundation is learning good form. For example, nothing stops a person faster from sustaining a regular exercise program than sustaining an injury early on because they used an ineffective or risky form. Learning good form almost always involves asking for help, so that someone else can observe your form. Part of sustaining change includes regular check ins to be sure you are continuing to practice good form, which can become more difficult the more challenging the change becomes.

In order to sustain change, it is necessary to achieve a sense of mastery, which means you monitor your performance and can evaluate how successful you are being in taking each step along the way. I talked last time about the importance of breaking down large goals into small, reachable goals. We achieve a sense of mastery/satisfaction/hope when we see ourselves reaching those small goals. It is very tempting when we reach small goals to downplay the accomplishment or discount the effort it took. This is exactly the time when it is most important to praise yourself EVERY TIME you reach a new goal, no matter how small a step it may have seemed when you did it. Remind yourself how in the past, you were unable to get this far, and celebrate where you are at.

Another step in sustaining change is to keep challenging ourselves once we meet our initial goals. In body-building, that might mean adding five more pounds, or doing two more repetitions. If your goal is to meet new people, and you have successfully approached one new person and struck up a conversation, a new challenge can be to talk to one more new person. The small steps you choose may seem really small, but what is important is that you can reach the goal. If you reach it fast, fine, then continue onto the next step. You may consider making your steps a little larger when you set the next goal if you reach new goals with little effort.

Watch out for reaching plateaus. A plateau is reached when you are working on making a change, and you've reached several small goals, but now seem unable to reach the next one. It is tempting here to give up or beat yourself up for being "stuck". Often, there are good reasons why you may be stuck at this particular point. Being stuck is a golden opportunity to learn more about yourself. You may be afraid of what might happen if you make more progress, because you are now out of your comfort zone. Many of us have learned or taught ourselves to choose comfort over risk anytime. The next step may involve you being disloyal to some very old messages/scripts you have always lived by, and that is scarier than reverting back to the old script. You may want to give yourself permission to be as stuck as you need to be, or to take as much time on this step as you need to. By doing this, you will stop beating yourself up and you likely will find the needed energy and motivation and if necessary, make the additional internal changes which will propel you forward to reaching the next step.

A last suggestion is to stay tuned in to the moment as best as you can. Enjoy that you are in this moment working toward your goal. Appreciate that you are engaged in a process of change, and that being committed to your own process is much more important that reaching the goal. If you've ever climbed a mountain, you know that taking time to enjoy the vast range of views at each step of the way is the most important part of the journey. On a mountain, when you reach a flat plateau, it is often a time of great relief. And a chance to rest up, enjoy the view from here, while preparing yourself to reach the next vista. There can be great joy that comes from reaching the top, however enjoying the process of getting there is often much more rewarding and fulfilling. And even if you don't reach the top, you still can enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you made it as far as you did!

This month's affirmation to help you in your life:
I will commit myself to taking small steps and applaud myself with each step I reach in making life affirming changes in my life.

Howard R. Fradkin, Ph.D., CCDC III has been a Psychologist in the Columbus community since 1982, and a co-founder of Affirmations: A Center for Psychotherapy and Growth, a multi-disciplinary private practice in the Brewery District.