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Affirmations Archive

This month my column will be illustrated by a series of drawings to help you examine your loving relationships past and present. I believe many of us mistake codependent styles of relating for love (figures 1-5). So take a look at the drawings below, and ask your partner to do the same. Which picture best represents how you feel in your relationship?

Do you think of your partner's life as totally overshadowing yours or encompassing you? Or do you totally overshadow your partner's life and require or allow them to live totally within your boundaries? (see figure 1)

It is common for folks to refer to their partners as "my other half" or "my better half". We often think of this as romantic. But the message we give ourselves is that we are only entitled to half of an identity. How does it feel to only have half of an identity? (see figure 2)

Figure 3 pictures what many abusive relationships look like. One person feels overpowered by the other. One person dominates the other and needs to some degree to feel that much bigger. Because there is some overlap and connection, even though the connection is small, even that small connection can feel awfully powerful. If you need your partner to be small, or if you need to be small in order to be loved, or you can only love by being big and having a small partner, I'd suggest to you this is NOT LOVE.

When I show people figure 4, many say, ah, yes, now THAT is LOVE. And again, our culture would teach us that love is about sacrifice, and that if you want to be loved, you need to be willing to sacrifice a part of your identity. Whenever we sacrifice that much of ourselves, we are giving up the vital power and identity we need to love someone else.

Figure 5 represents loving from a distance, a distance so great that the connection is really difficult to feel or trust. But for some people, this may feel like the only safe way to love. If you need this much distance, then you're not ready yet for a healthy loving relationship.

My idea of healthy love is pictured in figure 6. Healthy love is about mutual respect. Healthy love can develop when both partners are allowed to be fully individuals in their own right. Healthy love is non-possessive and non-controlling. Healthy love is facilitated by open, honest communication and regular feedback. Healthy love includes a place for negotiating and compromising (different than sacrificing, where you lose a part of yourself). And in healthy love, these two circles will sometimes move closer, and sometimes may move a little further apart. But the loop that connects the circles will stay strong regardless because it continues to be reinforced with regular, consistent communication. The loop may be thought of as the "commitment loop". It means no matter what, we will talk through difficulties and stay connected even when we feel like running. And if we do need distance, we will negotiate to come back together to talk the difficulties through.

If your relationship looks like figures 1-5, it is important to look at how you have come to accept this style of relating as healthy for you, and in what ways it feels reinforcing to keep relating in these ways. You will likely experience some degree of fear if you let go of these patterns, even a step at a time, because no doubt they have become familiar and comfortable. If so, I want to challenge you to check inside and ask yourself how really satisfying these patterns are for you. A couple can change any of these patterns, but it will take equal amounts of work on both people's parts.

This month's affirmation:
I am willing to let go of codependent styles of relating and develop instead healthy relating patterns as an equal, loving, committed partner.