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Affirmations Archive

This month I'd like to focus on creating, maintaining and preserving the love in your life! In this column I will talk about what specific steps a couple can take to bridge the distance couples sometimes create, and how to recapture the romance if it begins to wane. Even if you are not now currently in a relationship, this column has some useful information for you to help prevent such distance from ever being created, so read on!

One fascinating and helpful book on the subject was written by a research Psychologist, John Gottman, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail..And How You Can Make Yours Last. Gottman interviewed 100's of couples, non-gay and gay, over 20 years, often by bringing them into a laboratory and hooking them up to machines that measured their physiology. And he found out some amazing things. He found relationship satisfaction is linked to our physiological responses to each other.

One key to success he discovered is: "...a lasting marriage results from a couple's ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship" (p. 28). What was more fascinating is that he identified three different styles of resolving conflict, and found that ALL THREE can be quite effective, despite what we are taught in psychology school. The three styles are: conflict-avoiding; validating; and volatile. Think about them as being on a continuum. On one end are the couples who agree to disagree, and rarely have "fights" with each other. They may not even bring up a conflict, preferring instead to resolve it internally. The validating couples are more likely to bring up conflicts and will work hard at compromise, usually leading to both people feeling satisfied the conflict is resolved. The volatile couples passionately fight with each other, and often engage in conflicts. What he did find was that it is important for both people in the couple to agree on the style they will use for resolving problems in the relationship.

One of his most simple, and yet profound findings is this one, regardless of the style of conflict management you choose: "You must have at least 5 times as many positive as negative moments together if your relationship is to be stable."

Enhancing intimacy starts with self-assessment. Consider your interactions with your partner. Assess where you are using Gottman's formula above. How often are you experiencing positive moments with your partner? How often are you creating positive moments in the relationship? How often do you tell your partner what you appreciate about them and the relationship? How often do you express gratitude for anything your partner does to contribute to your and the relationship's well-being? Even if you believe noone needs to be thanked for taking out the garbage or doing the dishes, do it anyway because we ALL need to be stroked and appreciated. How often do you compliment your partner on how cute/attractive/well-dressed/sexy they look? No matter how long you have been together, affirming you are still attracted to your partner is an important part of keeping the romance alive.

Be aware too, how often do you accept the positive messages sent to you by your partner? It is not only your responsibility to give and create positive moments, it is also your responsibility to be open to the positivity your partner brings to those moments. So if she/he gives you a compliment, even if you don't think you are worthy of it, or you question if they are being genuine, practice genuinely saying "thank you." It will help reinforce your partner risking being positive, and may even draw you even a tiny step closer to each other.

When you are feeling distant, it is often difficult to be positive. Below is a multi-part couples exercise to help the two of you to reconnect with your own positive feelings about your relationship as well as to reconnect with your partner in a safe, warm way again. This exercise is not a one-time fix: I would encourage you to repeat it weekly if you are experiencing a lot of problems, and suspend talking about the problems until you both can recapture some of the positivity you've lost.

Step one: Take 20 minutes now to remind yourself, perhaps even write them down, as many positive moments/memories of your time together as you can. Go all the way back to the beginning of your relationship, and give yourself permission to focus on any interactions where you remember smiling, laughing together, being giddy, being horny and passionate together, being supportive of each other, listening to each other patiently, sharing your joy and excitement and adventures together. Let yourself see the pictures of the two of you together, and let yourself hear the sound and tone of your voices, and let yourself observe your partner's body language in those moments as you notice your own. Notice any distinctive smells which remind you of these good times, and remember the feelings/physiological responses of your body as they touched you and shared with you.

Part two: Notice your own physiology (your heart rate, your breathing rate and depth) as you write down and remember these positive moments. It can be very helpful if you could at this moment of noticing your different physiology which is connected to your positive feelings toward your partner to associate this moment with some physical gesture on your part. For example, you might at this moment of remembering, put your right hand on your heart, or perhaps cup your face with both of your hands. The gesture is up to you, to create and to remember. As you consciously breathe slowly, and deeply, practice this gesture and say to yourself, when I put my hand (s) here, I remind myself of my love and admiration for my partner. By recapturing the physiology of your romantic/warm/engaged feelings toward your partner, you can again recreate those feelings and experiences with your partner, even if there is distance now.

Now, part three...while practicing this gesture, think about today with your partner, and focus for right now only on what qualities today you treasure about your partner. Be aware of your physiology, breathe deeply and slowly, and resolve to yourself, today I am going to create a positive moment with my partner. Today I am going to talk with my partner about these warm memories, and let them know I am committed to re-building, re-capturing and re-creating many more warm positive moments.

Now , part four...it is time to share with your partner. Ask your partner for 10 minutes of their time and attention tonight/today without any distractions. Tell them you want to give them a gift of positive memories of your time together. If possible, ask if you might touch them in some way that is comfortable for both of you as you deliver your gift. The touch may be holding hands, or touching fingers. If possible, it might be helpful if you could re-create your gesture on your partner's body, to help ground you and connect you with those positive moments you remembered, and to help comfort and nurture your partner in the process.

Lastly, part five...After you have shared your positive memories, and your intention to re-connect, allow yourself to listen. Really listen, and promise yourself, I will listen non-defensively, and will breathe slowly and deeply if I feel myself becoming defensive. Remind yourself the step you have taken today may need to be repeated many times in the next weeks and months in order to help my partner trust me again. Emphathize with any difficulty they may have in hearing your words (I know this may be hard for you to hear, or believe, or trust) while also asking them to be as open as possible (I accept it may be difficult for you, and ask you to also be willing as much as you can to hear my words and know I am saying them because I do want to be closer to you). Thank your partner for being willing to listen, and for any touch which they have allowed.

Now switch roles, and repeat all the steps.

Today's affirmation: I will commit myself to creating five times as many positive moments as negative moments in my significant relationships.